its not a big deal untill you say it outloud

You try to justify everything you've been through

You act like you don't care when the fears still coursing through you

It's not a big deal

It's not too real

until you say it out loud

You say that you are weak, to hide how it affects you

But really its a cause behind everything that you do

You still can't sleep

You're still haunted by dreams

Your heart has been broken

in more ways than one

Words have been spoken

they can't be undone

But don't worry

Its all in your mind

At least that's what you tell yourself

when you cry through the night

woah there, did I scare you? | I'm back

Hello.

I had this long come back post written out, but I cringed too hard at myself so here we are. Basically I go through these weird phases, or extreme highs and lows. Right now I am in between happy and sad which is pretty much why I am writing this right now. 

College is starting tomorrow, and I just recently got my first job. Of course that is absolutely great and all, but I'm not very good at the whole 'keeping calm' thing so my anxiety has kicked in a lil bit. Which is why I am back. In some way I think blogging could be healthy for me, and I am trying really hard to do the whole 'self love' thing. Right now I need a constant, because I feel as if so much has changed recently and I honestly can't keep up. I need this.

I don't know how long I'll be back for, to be honest I don't even know if any of you guys still exist. But I'll be here. At least for the next few weeks or so.

The thought of blogging once again excites me, and I have a few ideas for future posts. Which is honestly shocking because I have a terrible history of actually posting. So ya know, stay tuned my dudes.

if you want to let me know that you still exist, please comment "hi" or like your ultimate bomb.com pun. you honestly have no idea how much it would mean to me.

woah slow down there bro

I haven't returned from the dead or anything, in fact I'm not really expecting anyone to read this, but hey what can I say?

I am turning sixteen this April, woot woot, which is a big deal for me because I get super duper excited about birthdays. Getting older still freaks me out though, in a good/bad way. Ya know? Such as being able to drive and all that jazz. What freaks me out the most is that fact that I made the choice to get extra credits and graduate high school in five months. Which last year the thought of it was totally exciting and I was 100% ready for my life to jolt into action, but as it gets closer, I feel more and more unprepared. 

College deadlines are staring me in the face and I have no idea what I'm doing. 

My fantasy is that college is going to treat me better than high school ever did, and that it's going to transform me out of the anxious, socially awkward person that I am. But simultaneously I have these fears that I will fall and continue to fall until I have no idea how to pick myself back up.

Of course it will probably be fine, after all, its just college. Except that I am actually five, and I still whine and complain, and I still can't keep my room clean, and I somehow lose my glasses everyday even after wearing them for eight years. 

I feel like things are changing too quickly, but in a way I'm still not actually going fast enough?

asdFGHJKL oh whale.

Dude, I just realized I always start blogging again in January, literally every year. Wow. Psh, well who am I to question fate? Ha.

I really really wanna know who is still on here? I haven't gotten on anything blogging related in practically a lifetime. I suck so bad with social media stuff, its not even funny. My friends are always complaining because I only talk to them in person and I never text. Communication is not in my dictionary.

What was the most exciting thing that has happened to you this year? I don't even care if its a new coffee you got from Starbucks, or this super rad sweater that completes your life. Literally anything good that has happened to you in 2017. 

peace out girl scouts

what makes me happy

Coming from a person who gets worked up over the smallest problems, sometimes it's easy to forget how simple happiness is. I 'occasionally' over think things, which can complicate what is normally easy. In order to help myself, I often make lists. Lists keep my mind focused and more on track. Hence the following. 

Here is a list of ten things that make me incredibly happy.

Organizing my room just kind of makes feel less messy than I actually am, which makes me happy.

Photo shoots are something that I absolutely love. I don't mean big, fancy ones that look professional, because lets be real I'm not a fantastic photographer. But just getting some friends, ( or sister, aka the photos above ) going downtown, and snapping pictures is great!

When someone compliments me I try to act cool and be like, "Oh, thanks man." but internally I am dying and saving the compliment to relive over and over again.

Laundry is surprisingly becoming my favorite 'chore'. The smell of the detergent and the feeling of conquering all the many stains gives me a sense of empowerment.

Lucky Charms flipping rock. If I could choose one cereal to eat for the rest of my life, it would be Lucky Charms. I don't even eat it for breakfast or with milk, I just fill a cup and then eat all the cereal, while leaving the heavenly marshmallows for last.

Binge watching shows is like my ultimate mood booster. It helps me forget the things that stress me out, and it also helps me calm down. In short, TV shows are my drug.

Listening to music while attempting to dance is what I do 24/7. Not even kidding.

Reading is this amazing escape from reality that I should experience more often. I don't read near as much as I used too. I blame Netflix and the Internet.

K-pop bands are something that I never imagined I would become obsessed with, but it happened. The amount of hours I have spent watching compilations and guest TV appearances on YouTube are countless.

Really annoying words/phrases that become overused are basically what my dictionary consists of.
Fam, dude, lit, low-key, dang daniel, skrib, get reckt, chill, fight me, the stuggle is real, etc. I would give anything to stop using these, but I can't. I physically and mentally can not. So many intelligent conversations have burned when I say "okay fam" or "get reckt skrib" or "dude, chill". I sound like a ten year old boy. #thestruggle
If I had to be honest though, it makes me low-key happy.

boom

Also, y'all should totally comment what your all time happiness triggers are. Because reading comments causes indescribable happiness.

I apologize for not being on top of blogging, and for having absolutely disappeared for the past monthish. I actually do not have my own computer yet, but I just recently bought one and it is getting here next week. Turn up. So hopefully I will be posting a lot more!
Also, doesn't my sister look so cute with the blue hair? Check her out here since she is constantly begging me for a shout out. Happy now Charish?

awkwardly signing out

you are my high and low

I kind of force my friend to model for me because she is absolutely beautiful.

Everyone has highs and lows,

but not everyone has self control.

The ability to hold yourself together

isn't something that's always remembered.

Because you can forget who you are,

and start to fall back into the dark.

Not able to push past the barrier.

Failing to see that things will get better.

Its something simple,

yet you're stuck trying to figure it out.

Good luck, because I'm still confused and surrounded by doubt.

***

My mood tends to differ from the people around me. It's like this unfortunate thing that I am unhappy when people are happy, and happy when people are unhappy. I think it might be this inner jealousy inside me that is always measuring my happiness against others. Or maybe it's just that time of month.

Who knows.

All I know is that currently I have been over thinking and stressing the small insignificant things, and it is probably the most annoying thing I could put myself through.

***

DUDE YOU SHOULD FOLLOW MY SISTERS BLOG. IT'S ALL ABOUT ANIME AND KOREAN STUFF LIKE DRAMAS AND BOY BANDS. EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT SHIZZAZZLE SHE IS KINDA COOL SOMETIMES SO YOU SHOULD STILL FOLLOW HER.

Her lame blog is right here.

When you visit her blog, take a minute to appreciate the url, courtesy of muah.

I love you guys! Thank you so much for following me and for commenting. You have no idea how much it means to me!

awkwardly signing out